It was
the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I
gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little
boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there!?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of
the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
~~~~~
Things Not to Say to a Police Officer:
- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
- Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
- Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
- Are You Andy or Barney?
- I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
- I pay your salary!
- Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
- Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
- When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond
with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Submitted by Seps32
~~~~~
While driving home, I was eating an apple. It wasn't
until I tossed the core out the window that the police car came up behind me. The officer pulled me over, and as I was
getting out my license, I joked that I was helping to clean up the roadside. The core would become a home for ants,
which would pick up tiny bits of litter.
I was amazed he was nodding in agreement until he said, "So let's see your building permit."
~~~~~
AIRHEAD (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
~~~~~
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 98 MPH.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "Any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like
it."
"Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. Lemme see...
"Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."
~~~~~
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
~~~~~
With a Little Help From Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
~~~~~
My father always loved fast cars. Taking advantage
of the empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open stretch. Unfortunately, a young police
officer was waiting at the other end, and Dad was flagged down. He greeted the officer with a cheery
"Good morning!"
"And a good morning to you, Wing Commander," replied the officer. "Having trouble taking off?"
~~~~~
The Getaway
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
~~~~~
Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery??
In Ohio,
an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a
9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him
an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen.
Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a
6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had
stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
~~~~~
Did I Say That???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
~~~~~
Ouch!! That Smarts!!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's
charred trousers in custody.
~~~~~
Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up
a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
~~~~~
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her
very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me
to show it to you!"
~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What
would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
~~~~~
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
~~~~~
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
-- George Carlin
~~~~~
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood,
but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy birthday, Buddy"
~~~~~
Budget Cuts
Thumbnail View
~~~~~
Subject: How "Not" To Get Shot By Police
Recently, in an area on the West Coast, an inordinate number of police-officer-involved
shootings have taken place. As a result, several suspects have been fatally injured. Newspapers in
the area, quoting local "community activists," have editorialized that, with all these shootings
by police, "any citizen" could find himself dodging police bullets, for no apparent reason at all! Responding to the newspaper editorial, a Los Angeles Deputy District Attorney, who is obviously
community minded, submitted a five point plan. The plan is designed to assist citizens, who might otherwise be randomly shot by police, in staying
out of the path of police bullets. The newspaper never printed it, but I thought you might appreciate it, even if they didn't.
"I've devised a five point plan to help citizens avoid being shot by police. This plan may not
prevent all shootings, but very few will take place when the plan is rigorously adhered to. So, here
are the rules:
-
DON'T COMMIT VIOLENT CRIMES. I know this seems elementary, but this rule is lost on many. They do the crime, get shot, and then wonder how it could possibly happen. They whine that it is so unfair. Well, Slick, violent crime, like jumping in front of moving cars, is just a high risk occupation, and, in case you missed it, committing violent crimes make police officers think you may not be a good person.
-
If you ignore rule No. 1, and the police do confront you, DON'T RUN AWAY FROM THEM. I know it's hard to believe, but that may make them think you're guilty of something. Hiding in bushes or closets makes some cops (mostly older ones) very nervous. They might even foolishly conclude that you're up to no good!
-
If you disregard rules 1 and 2, and the cops catch up with you anyway and inform you that you are under arrest, DON'T MAKE FAST MOVEMENTS WITH YOUR HANDS. I know it sounds silly, but grabbing a shiny beer can, a dark colored wallet, or one of those snazzy and real looking replica guns may make police officers mistakenly believe that you are about to hurt them.
-
If you disregard rules 1, 2, and 3, and manage to get what looks like a deadly weapon into your hands, DON'T POINT IT AT THE COPS. We all know that you're basically a nice person, but that may be lost on the police officers confronting you. In their paranoia, they may even believe they need to protect themselves.
-
If you disregard rules 1, 2, 3, and 4, DON'T BE ASTONISHED IF THE COPS DO NOT INSTANTLY TURN INTO YOUR PERSONAL CONFIDANTE. They may be too preoccupied to realize that you're normally a splendid person and that you're just having a bad day. They may be too preoccupied to see that when you point a weapon at them in a threatening manner, it is just your way of crying out for help. We both know that the whole problem can be traced to the fact that your mother didn't breast feed you, but some police officers are so cynical they just don't see it. So, there you have it.
If you really apply yourself and obey even some of the rules listed
above, I bet you'll avoid the vast majority of police gunfire."
Cheri Lewis
Deputy DA
Los Angeles, California
From forwarded E-mail
circulating the Internet May 1, 2001
~~~~~
Clumsy Crooks
Need a Good Laugh? Get it at the Bad Guy's Expense!
Funny Real-Life Crime Stories
www.clumsycrooks.com
~~~~~
Thumbnail View
For other great cartoons, see STRANGE
BREED
Cartoons by Steve Langille
~~~~~
Not a joke site - the real
thing...
The FBI's Ten Most Wanted Fugitives
www.fbi.gov/wanted/topten/fugitives/fugitives.htm
~~~~~
Find schools offering degrees in Criminal
Justice online.
~~~~~
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This page was last edited 03/26/08.
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