Sign on baby's bib:
SPIT HAPPENS

~~~~~

~~~~~~

You've Turned Into A Mom When:

• You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

• You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

• You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

• You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

• You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

• You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

• You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

• You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

~~~~~

    My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.
    That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, 
    "Families are Forever." And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."

~~~~~

    When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor.
    I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.
    She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."

~~~~~

     A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.  Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.
     Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

Submitted by CZ

~~~~~

Mommy's Online

I can hear them calling, so I know they are fine.
"Where's Mom?" they are saying, Don't they know I'm Online?!!!
"We're Hungry!", I hear.  I tell them, "Please hush!
Mom is online now, what is the rush!!?"
They had a bite yesterday when the phone lines were out,
These kids drive you crazy...Oh look! There's a pout!
I dispense bowls of cereal as I download a file...
No time wasted here...I'm a true computerphile!
I check out the boards and respond to a few,
"We're so bored!!," moan the children, "What can we do?!!"
I tell them to stop, please do not whine.
Geeez...can't they see their mother is busy online??!!
The grumbling continues as they wander about
"Mom's ALWAYS on the Computer!!," together they shout!
Unawares to me, they yank the phone from the Jack,
saying, "Daddy is right...this is the way to get Mommy back!"

Author Unknown
Submitted by Cre43

~~~~~

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

~~~~~

I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers. One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."

~~~~~

Seen on T-Shirts:

First National Bank of Dad.
Sorry, Closed.

(Worn by a pregnant woman):
A Man Did This to Me, Oprah

My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips

~~~~~

    The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby. 
    "When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them. Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

~~~~~

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

~~~~~

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

~~~~~

My Resignation

I hereby tender my resignation as an adult.
I have decided to accept the responsibilities of an 8-year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a 4-star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.  All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simply again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So....here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements.  I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause,

"Tag! You're It."

Author Unknown
Submitted by Stormlover

~~~~~

Thumbnail View
"Holy Great Mother of God!  I've been cloned!"

~~~~~

Politicians are like diapers.
Both need to be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

~~~~~

For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my children:

• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

• If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.

• A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

• The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

• A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

• Certain Leggos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.

• Play-Dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

• Super glue is forever.

• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

• Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

• VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

• You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

• Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

• The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

• It will, however, make cats dizzy.

• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

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This page was last edited 10/26/05.