Riverwalk

    There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
    The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side!"

Submitted by Ray

~~~~~

What is Easter?

    Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..."
    "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.
He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?"
    The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
    St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven. 
    He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"?
    The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
    "Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously.
    "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
    St. Peter smiled broadly with delight.
    The third blonde continued. "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

Submitted by Phil & Kara

~~~~~

She was soooooo blonde...

• She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

• She thought a quarterback was a refund.

• She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

• She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

• She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

• She thought General Motors was in the army.

• She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

• She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

• Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
  She tried to drown a fish.

• She tripped over a cordless phone.

• She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said concentrate.

• She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

• She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".

• They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

• At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here" she put Sagittarius.

• She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

• It takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes".

• She studied for a blood test-and failed.

• She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train".

• She sold the car for gas money.

• When she saw the "NC-17 under 17 not admitted", she went home and got 16 friends.

• When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

• She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

• When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

• When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

• She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

Submitted by Zax

~~~~~

    A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool.  After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
    The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.  The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6'-tall, 200-lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.  What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
    The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Submitted by Kara & Phil

~~~~~

    The FBI was looking for a new agent because one just retired. The day of the testing, two men and a blonde lady show up. The first man goes up and the FBI agent says, "Here, take this gun. That woman in there is your PRETEND wife. Now go in there and shoot her."
    The man walks in and then immediately walks back out. He says, "I cant do it, I love her too much!"
    The second man does the same.
    So the blonde goes in and you hear a POP! And then silence... then people screaming and stuff being thrown and banging. Then the blonde walks back out, and the FBI agent asks, "What was all the noise?!"
    Replies the blonde, "Well the bullets were blanks, so I had to beat him to death with a chair!"

Submitted by ChicyCheeks21

~~~~~

    A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
    "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant.  Are you OK ma'am?"
    "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
    "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
    "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me.  So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree!  I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree!  I swerved to the left and there was..."
    "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

~~~~~

    Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
    The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
    Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

~~~~~

    Two bowling teams of Blondes charter a double-decker bus; they're going to Atlantic City for the weekend. One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team is in the top of the bus.
    The team down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the top. She walks up the stairs, and here are all the Blondes from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to death.
    She says, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time."
    One of the Blondes from the second team says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!

~~~~~

Blonde in the Snow

    It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
    She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.
    As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
    The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

Submitted by Kara & Phil

~~~~~

The Blonde In First Class

    There was a blonde and she was on an airplane on her way to New York. A flight attendant comes up to her and says. "Ma'am you must move back. Your ticket is for Coach and you are in First Class."
    The blonde simply replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."
    The flight attendant stares at the blonde, then turns around and walks away. She asks another flight attendant to tell the blonde that she must move out of First Class and the blonde says the same thing to the second flight attendant, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York."
    The flight attendants tell the Pilot what is going on and he says "Oh, I know what to do. My wife is blonde." He then walks up to the blonde and whispers something in her ear. She says, "Oh dear!" then gets up and moves to the Coach section.
    The flight attendants then ask the pilot, "How did you do that?"
    The pilot says. "All you have to do is tell her that First Class is going to Chicago."

Submitted by ImShortStuph

~~~~~

    There were these three thieves. One was a brunette, one was a red head, and the other was a blonde. They were robbing a grocery store and someone called the police. The police came to the store with a K-9 unit.
    When the girls heard the police, they all jumped into a different bag of potatoes.  The police started checking the store for the thieves. The dogs searched everywhere and finally stopped at the bags of potatoes. The dog started sniffing the bag with the red head in it. The redhead said, "Meow."
    The police said, "Keep going -- it's just a cat."
    They went to the next bag and the brunette said, "Ruff!."
    The police say "It's just a stupid dog -- go to the next bag."
    They got to the bag with the blonde in it, and they said "Check the bag."
    The blonde tries to say something smart like the other girls and finally says "Potato."

Submitted by Stephen M

~~~~~

Strange Breed
by Steve Langille
Bringing you a new cartoon every Sunday, Wednesday & Friday!

~~~~~

The Diet

    A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
    When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
    The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
    "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
    "No, from skipping."

Submitted by Ray

~~~~~

    There was this blonde.  She wanted to go ice fishing so she got all her information off the Internet telling her all about it.  The next week she goes fishing and she cuts a hole in the ice.   All of a sudden she hears a voice:  "There are no fish under the ice!"
    She looks around and doesn't see anyone.  So she moves to another spot on the ice.  She cuts her hole and she again hears the voice, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Submitted by SodaPop

~~~~~

The Blonde and the Truck Driver

    As a trucker in Wisconsin stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
    The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up . She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
    As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
    Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
    At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.  Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
    When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it is winter and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!!"

~~~~~

    A group of blondes at LSU were given a math assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. They went out to the flagpole taking a ladder and a yardstick. The ladder was too short. The yardstick broke. They were upset.
    An engineering student sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away.
    When the engineering student was out of earshot, one blonde turned to the others and laughed. "They're not as smart as they think. Put the pole back up. We're supposed to measure the height not the length!"

~~~~~

A bad day for a blonde is when her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Submitted by Amie

~~~~~

    Two blondes were walking in the woods and spotted a bunch of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those look like deer tracks!" The second one replied, "No, those are bear tracks!" They kept arguing this way until a train hit them.

Submitted by Kelly P.

~~~~~

    A brunette was jumping rope on some train tracks and shouting, "Twenty-one, twenty-one, twenty-one!" over and over. A blonde came by and asked what she was doing, and got the answer, "Just jumping around on these tracks and yelling twenty-one." 
    "Can I try?"
    "Sure, I'll be right back."
    So the brunette runs off and hides behind a tree and watches. While watching, a train comes by and hits the blonde. When the train passes, the brunette comes back with a jump rope and starts yelling, "Twenty-two, twenty-two, twenty-two!"

Submitted by Kelly P.

~~~~~

    A blonde girl was going around her neighborhood asking for odd house jobs. She finally got to a house with an owner that gave her a job. He told her to take the can of green paint he had sitting nearby and paint his porch. She started painting and finished the job in under an hour. He was amazed by her speed and asked how she did it. She replied, "Oh, it was easy. And by the way, it's a Lexus, not a Porsche."

Submitted by Kelly P.

~~~~~

    Two blondes came out of the mall one day after shopping. The first one realized that she locked the keys in the car and suggested that they call a locksmith for help. They went back into the mall for a pay phone and called for help, when it suddenly started raining. The second blonde looks out the window and says, "Oh, no! I forgot to put the top of the car up!"

Submitted by Kelly P.

~~~~~

Lunch Break

    A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all on their lunch break. The blonde looked in her lunch bag and found a tuna sandwich, the brunette found a PB&J sandwich, and the redhead got spaghetti.
    The next day they they each look in their lunch bags and they had received the same meal again! Well all three of them agreed that if they received the same lunch again they would commit suicide.
    The next day when they get on their lunch break and look in their bags, sure enough they each receive the same lunch again. So they all go out and they kill themselves.
    A week or two later at the funeral, the brunette and redheads moms both agree that if they wanted different lunches they should have just requested them! Then the blondes mom butts in by saying, "I don't know what you two are talking about, my daughter made her own lunch!"

Submitted by ADventures

~~~~~

    A blonde walks into a hair salon. She is wearing headphones and carrying a tape player. She sits down to have her hair cut, and the hair stylist says, "I'm sorry ma'am, but you'll have to take those headphones off."
    "No!" said the blonde, "If I take them off, I'll die."
    So the hair stylist left the headphones on.
    After a while the blonde fell asleep, and the hairstylist took the headphones off and continued cutting her hair. When she was finally finished, she was horrified to find the blonde, dead in the chair. She put the headphones to her ear, curious to hear what kept the blonde alive, and what she heard was, "Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out."

Submitted by JT

~~~~~

A blonde walks into a store and asks the clerk if she could buy that T.V. The clerk says, "No! I don't sell to blondes." So the blonde dyes her hair red and goes back to the store. Again, she asks "Can I buy this T.V.?" And the clerk again tells her that he doesn't sell to blondes. So she dyes her hair once more and walks in and asks to buy the same TV. "No!" he says once more. "I told you, I don't sell to blondes!" She asks, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" The clerk says, "This isn't a T.V. It's a microwave!"

Submitted by Mella

~~~~~

Blonde Passenger

    A promiscuous male pilot approaches a gorgeous shapely blonde and asks her if she wants to go flying with him in his private plane. The blonde, never before ridden in a plane, agrees. Both hop in his plane, taxi to the runway and take off. The pilot flies to a remote romantic area hoping to seduce the blonde when all of a sudden the engine coughs, sputters and quiets. The pilot realizes the plane is going to crash because of the location he flew to.
    There is only one parachute and he informs the blonde, one of them must die! The guilt stricken pilot places the parachute on the blonde, instructs her how to pull the rip cord, tells her to remember him and pushes her out the door. The blonde manages to pull the rip cord and the parachute deploys properly.
    The pilot, not wanting his body mangled with the metal of the plane, decides to jump. The pilot screams from fear of his impending death.
    The blonde hears the pilot's scream, looks up as he's falling. The blonde thinks for a moment, rips the parachute from her body and says, "Ah!  He wants to race!!!"

Submitted by Bret

~~~~~

Lunch

There are three men. Two are redheads and the other is a blonde. Every day they get tuna fish in their lunch. So they said, "If i get one more thing of tuna fish i will jump off the bridge around the corner." The next day the first redhead got tuna fish so he jumped of the bridge. His wife cryed her eyes out. The day after that the second redhead got tuna fish. So he jumped. His wife cryed her eyes out. The day after that the blonde got tuna fish. So he jumped. His wife did something different. She laughed. The other two wives asked her why she was laughing when her husband had jumped off a bridge. She said, " I don't pack his lunch - he packs his own lunch!"

Submitted by Superkewl

~~~~~

A red head, a blonde, and a brunette are stranded on an island. The shore of mainland is 1 mile away. The red head swims .5 miles, gets tired, and drowns. The brunette swims .7 miles, gets tired, and drowns. The blonde swims to where you can almost stand up, gets tired, and swims back to the island.

Submitted by Adam

~~~~~

Did you hear about the dumb blonde bartender who used a syringe on one of her customers? He asked for a shot of whiskey and the bartender gave it to him in the form of an injection.

Did you hear about the dumb blonde who got lost in Great Britain?
She didn't know how to get to England from London.

Why did the dumb blonde refuse to go to a Website? 
She was afraid of spiders.

Submitted by Howard

~~~~~

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This page was last edited 03/19/07.